Good for the soul, bad for the heart

Self-deprecation that is!

(Title courtesy of Stephen Sondheim’s ‘Perpetual Anticipation’ from A Little Night Music)

Ugh I’m in one of those moods where I feel approximately useless. Thankfully, I have long since been able to utilise such moods for productivity!

I think it links to an obsession I have with perfectionism. It takes a lot for me to be truly happy with something when it is in my creative control, specifically if I’m producing something as an end in itself (i.e. “this is something I want to do for basically its own sake/an internal motive”). In Year 11 I rewrote and resubmitted my creative-writing coursework even though the first draft got 26/27, simply because I wasn’t precisely happy with it (in fact I was looking through my old GCSE coursework folder a few months ago, and made a handful of edits).

Needless to say if you’re acquainted with my A level scores/lack thereof, my notion of attaining perfection doesn’t consistently extend to the various opinions of external bodies.

Anyway, the thing about thinking that I suck is it generally spurs me on to, y’know, change it. To suck less. When I think, “damn I suck at piano, I can’t play anything”, I don’t wallow in the self-pity, or give up piano. I strive to become a little less sucky. I know for a fact that I can play a handful of songs, and I can play some songs pretty well. But as long as my subconscious doesn’t know that, I may as well utilise my feeling of inadequacy to improve.

Although I don’t have my piano here at the moment so no piano practice for me. I’m gonna do some computer work instead.

Today’s lesson: from bad emotions can come good things; if only you vow to never stop using your mind, to never allow the bad emotions to dictate your life.

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